Reading back on what I’ve written the past month in my newly started journal, I realize that I’ve been feeling extremely happy and content with myself and the things I’ve been doing. I mean, since the trip from Paris, I’ve been absolutely grateful for everything. My friends, the new people I meet, the places I go, the place I live, the family I have and the list could go on. I know I sound overly cheer-y and extremely optimistic, but I’ve found that feeling this way helps me a great deal, but I promise I have my moments of other emotions too.
Recently though, I have come to realize a new strange feeling. I don’t know what it’s called. Maybe someone knows the word for it in another language other than English and Japanese. I find myself in an awkward limbo of being happy, but also feeling a lack of emotion at the same time. Being happy, content and weirdly satisfied, despite all the shit I have to go through, has become a default, or rather my main way of feeling. Now, I find myself reflecting on why I’m happy and what constitutes as me being happy rather than simply feeling and being content or happy. I know that reflecting is not an emotion, but when I’m thinking in this way, I feel a strange stillness within myself.
I find myself feeling this way as I sit on the L train and write in my journal, or listen to music that I’m feeling at that moment. It’s a strange tranquility that I haven’t been able to find comfort in yet. I’m not even sure if I should be feeling this way or what I’m exactly feeling.
I’m not sure if this actually makes any sense, but I’m surprised I even made it this far explaining it.
But recently, on the contrary (to complicate things even further), I get emotional very easily. When I see toddlers or babies on the train with their pure auras, chubby cheeks, and inaudible speech, it makes me want to cry out of joy. I don’t know why, but I tear up and my heart literally expands by a hundred. When I see a hardworking, honest middle-aged man at a minimum wage job, my eyes tear up for some reason. When my professor helped me through my creative slump, I also almost cried.
Am I just being an emotional wreck?
I honestly do not know.
I know I’m extremely lucky to be able to feel so joyful (I do not like that word: reminds me of Christmas) everyday and that’s not the case for everyone. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and hope that everyone finds their happiness in their own ways.
phew. thanks for reading this far of this emotional rant. hope you all have a positive day 🙂
Over Easy 
i went through something similar in april! it was a strange sort of contentment that didn’t sit quite right, and even when i tried to analyse what was wrong i found myself choosing to ignore certain things. then i had this big, messy catharsis that brought to light all of the things i had been ignoring. this is all subjective, but self reflection is so important and i’m glad you have a platform to express that!! hopefully you’ll find yourself feeling more in place in the coming weeks as school winds down and repressed emotions come through the forefront. anyway i love your writing style! it’s super expressive without being verbose and i appreciate getting a peek inside your mind.
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Thanks so much for reading through Phoebe!! My heart warms as I read this and write this reply ❤ I'm happy to hear that I'm not actually the only one who's experienced this. I'm glad my writing isn't too much; making myself vulnerable through writing on the internet scares me and worries me a bit, but I'm glad you enjoy it!
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